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Over the years i have heard some jokes that i liked so i wrote them down and i am now giving them to whoever wants to read them enjoy lol! nb:BE WARNED some of them are kinda rude.
A man is in a public toilet when another man walks in and stands next to him. The first guy soon realises that the second has no arms. out of pity he asks him ' can you manage alrite?' the second guy says ' actually i dont think i can could you un zip me take it out and let me go, then put it away and zip me up? PLEASE' the first guy is a bit reluctant but does as he is asked. as the man is standing htere he realises that the second guy has scabs and sores all over his dxxk. once he zips him up he says to him 'may i ask whats wrong with you?' and th second guy pushes his arms out of his sleevs and says ' i dont know but im not fxxking touching it'!!
A boy catches his mum and dad being intimate. so the boy asks his mum the next day what she was doing.
she says ' i was sitting on daddys tummy to flatten it', the boy replies ' oh you shouldnt bother because aunty jane always gets down and blows it back up!!!
Husband: let me take a photo of ur txts so i can lok at them when i jxxk off!
wife: let me take a photo of your dick at least i can get it enlarged!
The seven dwarves go to the vatican to meet the pope.
When they get there he introduces himself to each of them and dopey is at the end of the line. when he says hello to him dopey asks the pope a question, ' What is it dopey?', 'Please pope your honour but are there any dwarf nuns in the vatican?' the pope says 'No dopey there are no dwarf nuns in the vatican'. an hour passes and the wine is flowing so dopey goes up to the pope again and says 'Please sir but are there any dwarf nuns in europe?'and the pope says 'No dopey there are no dwarf nuns in europe'.. so two hours have passed and everyone is very merry so dopey goes to the pope a third time and says 'Now look popey u tell me straight are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the WORLD??!!!!, the pope says 'no dopey there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!'. And in the background u can hear the other six dwarvs singing 'DOPEY FXCKED A PENGUIN! DOPEY FXCKED A PENGUIN!'.
A woman standing in front of a mirror says to her husband ' i look old fat and ugly pay me a compliment' husband says ' your eyesight is spot on!'
Man in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a gun. "open the safe" he shouts to the manageress. He then says " now take a sample out and drink it!" She drinks it and wipes her mouth. Suddenly the man taks off his mask to reveals its her husband. He says " see its not that difficult is it!"
Jack and jill are up the hill when jack takes off his trousers. he tells jill to put them on. Jill says " theyre too big!". Jack says "exactly i wear the trousers in this marriage and always will !". Jill takes off her knickers and tell jack to try them on. jack says " ill never get into them!", so jill says " exactly and if you dont lose that fxcking attitude you never will again!!".
A blonde stops at a petrol station but when she gets out she realises she has eft her keys in the car.the blonde goes inside and asks the store manager for a coat hanger so she can try to pop the door. the manager gives her a hanger and she goes outside. ten minutes later he goes outside to see how the blonde is doing. he finds the blonde crouched by the door jiggling the hanger through a crack in the drivers window, while her blonde friend sitting int he passengers seat is saying, " a little more to the left no no a little more to the right...."
two men who work for a lumber jack company are doing their job when paddy accidentaly cuts his arm off with the chainsaw. seeing his friend in distress mikey takes paddys arm puts it in a plastic bag seals it and takes them both to the hospital. later that day mikey walks past the pub an sees paddy playing darts. the next day they are both back at work when paddy cuts his leg off!! mikey knowing what to do grabs paddys leg puts it in a bag seals it and takes them both to the hospital again. later that day he sees paddy playing football, a little shocked mikey carries on. the next day paddy cuts his head off, mikey puts it in the bag and takes them to the hospital. the next day paddy is not at work and mikey gets a phonecall through at work from the doctor who treated paddy who tells him that paddy is dead. mikey says " you treated him for his arm and leg and you had no problem putting them back on why couldnt you save him u bastard!", the doctor says "well if you had put some airholes in the bag we wouldn't be having this conversation!!!".
A ventriloquist is telling blonde jokes in a bar when one of his audience, a young blonde lady, stands up and complains." i've heard just enough of your lousy blonde jokes!" she shouts. " what makes you think you can stereotype women this way? What does a person's hair colour have to do with their worth as a human being!" The ventriloquist is very embarrassed and starts to apologise. The blonde interrupts" stay out of it mister!, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!!"
